top of page

Save your own bacon by Nigel Roth

As the US queues at the polls to choose their next aging run-of-the-hill white American male President, in a year that’s made a mockery of its numerical name, I want you to leave the bullying, narcissistic, misogynistic, and frightened candidates behind, Biden and Harris too if you like, and join me in Washington State in 1938, one year before Adolf Hitler starts the next World War.

September in Washington means a little extra rain, some warm sixty-something fall days, and cool sleep-perfect nights. And, in the town of Milton, sitting half way between the capital Olympia and the great city of Seattle, on the north-easterly curve of the Puget Sound, an election is underway, just like it is today.

In this particular election, Boston Curtis is standing for the post of Republican precinct committeeman, a highly important role in the town of around five thousand residents.

While the campaign that Curtis is running is very different from many, it does have similarities to those of the current Republican candidate.

For a start, Curtis stands on no particular manifesto, and it seems enough for people just to know that he is a Republican. He’s never talked policy or plans to anyone, just kicked a lot of dirt up around the other candidates. He hasn't run any ads that talk about any significant plans for the future, just barked a lot of nonsense at whoever would listen.

The fact that Curtis will win this election with the vast majority of the vote, and become the new Republican representative should make us all take note. Not least because Boston Curtis is a sterile old mule, and that could easily happen again in a month's time.

Of course, Boston Curtis wasn’t the first or last non-human to try for political office.

In 1968, as the Vietnam war that Lyndon B Johnson vowed not to lose raged on, and Conservative politician Enoch Powell told Britain that immigration would cause ‘rivers of blood’, and Pierre Elliott Trudeau became my own Prime Minister, in Canada, Pigasus the Immortal began his run for the office of President of the United States.

Unlike Saucisse the Dachshund, who began life as a mangy, trashy dog who wandered aimlessly, before finding fame as a reality TV celebrity, and finishing a sixth in the 2001 Marseille mayoral elections, Pigasus had no celebrity-status head-start in his Presidential run. Pigasus was convinced to enter the political arena by several members of the Youth International Party, who sent Phil Ochs, the sharp-witted protest singer, to communicate with him at length over a bag of old cabbages, and buy his services by bribing the farmer who owned him.

Old cabbages may have been enough to keep Pigasus happy as he launched his campaign, but for other candidates, like Clay Henry, brassicaceae wouldn’t have cut it. Henry, while serving as the Mayor of Lajitas, Texas, was often criticized for spending too much time doing activities that were not part of his official duties, including grunting, kicking, and consuming huge quantities of alcohol.